How can I get along with my grandmother?
I am 18 and I currently live with my grandmother. I live in a small town in south eastern Alaska. When I was 14 my parents divorced and my father moved to Juneau and I moved with my mom and brother to Irvine, CA. About a year ago I told my mom I wanted to move home to be with family and friends. I was homesick. And I felt as if I didn’t fit in with Orange County culture. I’m Alaskan! So I went to live with my grandmother. I was going to school but finished early this year. When I first moved back to Alaska we got along great and it was so nice to be back. But now all we do is fight. She told me the other day that she doesn’t trust me anymore because I lied to her once when she was visiting us in CA when I was 15. I’m gay but I wasn’t out at the time (I came out at 16) and I told her I was going to a girls house to do a project when I really was going to my boyfriends house. I don’t know why, but I told her the truth a few months ago, because I felt I could tell her anything. So she’s mad at me for something that happened years ago. And now she told some of the family she can’t trust me because she always thought I told her the truth about everything. Then she told me she’s giving me until the end of the month to find a job to pay board. Well there’s no work in this little town right now, but I’m trying my hardest. I’ve applied to 8 different places, it’s not my fault they’re not calling me. It takes time here because there are more people than jobs, but she doesn’t seem to understand. Now she’s getting after me to clean my room. But it is clean; I just have a lot of stuff, including a lot of clothes and not a lot of room. I feel like she treats me like a little kid. She yells all the time over everything. She also seems to hate my friends, which I don’t understand, because they’re all nice and respectful to her. She says my best friend Allie dresses like a slut and my other friends have pathetic lives. She also yells at me when I’m in town after dark because I might get beaten up for being gay. Well I’m a masculine guy and I work out and can take care of myself, and I’m usually with a group of friends and everyone that’s younger knows me, so how could that happen?! She’s always calling my father and stepmother names and telling me how horrible they are, which bugs me. But if I stick up for them she yells even more. She tells me that my parents should have sent her money to take care of me, which they didn’t, and that’s not my fault. I was a kid. Although my father did send me 0 sometimes to buy myself some stuff. Everything about me seems to bother her. She’s hates my clothes. She hates my hair. She hates that I take a lot of time in the bathroom in the morning. She gets mad at me because I don’t agree with everything she says or believes in. She gets mad because I seem to get along with my aunt more than her (which is because my aunt listens to me). She gets mad because she says I don’t do enough around the house. But I tell her I will do anything she wants, just to ask and I’ll do it. I can’t read minds! She’s always telling me to go back to California and live with my mother because she can’t put up with me. I don’t know what to do. How can I fix this? I want the relationship I used to have with my grandmother. Or should I just go back to California even though I feel as if I don’t fit in there? What do I do? Thanks for your time. –Jordan-
4 Responses
Renae
26 Jan 2010
acc fan
26 Jan 2010
Sorry that your grandmother is taking out all of the pent-up anger of her lifetime out on you. It sounds like a miserable situation. If it is as you describe, it sounds like you are doing all you can in the situation, and it is up to her to come around. I know you don’t want to go back to California (I bet the OC culture is really tough on an outsider), but if I were in your shoes, I would have to do just about anything to get out of there. It will drag you down in the long run. You don’t say if you are going to college in the fall. I’d look into that as a way out without necessarily having to go back to California. You’re too young with too much ahead of you to be trapped in such a miserable situation.
Ruby Jane
26 Jan 2010
l too was reared by my grandmother from an early age.She was a wonderful lady,and l loved her because of her commitment to me…But as l reached the age of 18 l realized that we had different ideals on life.She was very set in her ways and l was exploring life.We differed on a lot of things,such as friends,morals,ideals and a whole lot more.But we were still the best of mates.
l think your grandmother loves you very much…but is afraid of losing that life.
All you can do is reassure her that you think the world of her…but you do have your own life to lead and will always be there for her when she needs you.
The choice you make is yours…but in the end it will probably be the right one.
l wish you all the best
lt991
26 Jan 2010
Well you have to keep in mind that once you lie to a person and they find out about it … there is no going back to the trust they had for you.
Its something that she will have come to terms with in her own good time along with the fact that you are gay. In my opinion all the issues she has with you are because of that and she doesnt want to outright put you out but wants you gone. A lot of old people just simply dont understand the gay community and have no compassion because they feel that its wrong and embarassing to them.
All I can say is that you need to get your own place so that you dont have to deal with her. Since you cant find a job where you are your only option is probably gonna be to go back to California, while you might not like it you will probably have a better life there with your mom if I read it correctly.
Better opportunities to work then you currently have in such a small town. You dont fit in because you need to get a job and make new friends.
Good luck.
Okay. I understand that you want the relationship that you used to have with your grandmother, but relationships aren’t formed by one person. She’s got to put some effort into it too, or it’s never going to change. A lot of older people are homophobic, or at least uncomfortable with the idea. So that’s almost definitely a factor. You need to air all of this out with her. Have a heart felt talk, but don’t get overly defensive. Let her know that you miss what you used to have.
And there is nothing that is more appreciated than the little things you do that someone doesn’t ask you too. If you see that the trash is full, or the dishes should be washed, do it. Hey, try cooking dinner from time to time as a surprise. Don’t expect to get a lot of recognition for this, but she might lighten up a bit. She does have the right to expect you to pull your weight, try calling those 8 places – persistence shows character and drive. (don’t be afraid to do this while she can hear what’s going on.)