My wife and I got married way too soon. We got married after knowing eachother for 5 months, and had a baby right away. We didn’t move in with one another until after the wedding. The relationship went downhill from the wedding ceremony. We separated 7 months into the marriage and filed for divorce a few months later.

During the time we lived together it was horrible. I moved into her house, since it was bigger and I took a job closer to her home with the plan that the potential increase in income would allow her to be a stay at home mom. I promised that she could stay home in 3 years maximum and I would handle the finances, because she is horrible with money and she worries about money a lot. She’s a teacher and gets paid once a month, and I’m a financial advisor…so budgeting, saving, and money management are my strong suits.

Fast forward to today…we are approaching or 3 year anniversary…the divorce has been put on hold and we have been working on the relationship for about 10 months now. I found that she intentionally delayed and stalled the divorce because she had second thoughts from the day she filed.

To make a long story short I have learned that this woman that I thought I married who comes off as a strong and independant single mother is a sensitive and scared woman who is afraid of being alone & realizes that her indepedance for so long causes her to push people away even when she isn’t trying, because she comes across as selfish…mainly because she’s so use to taking care of herself and her child (now children) by herself with the assistance of her parents at times.

Having taken the time to know this woman under the surface I realize that she NEEDS me to be strong and even domineering. I’m more of the let’s make decisions together kind of man, but I am learning that she prefers to be directed and told…even though she comes across as if she’s doing things her way. This includes everything from initiating sex to deciding what to eat for dinner. She expects me to take charge and/or make decisions.
OKAY…NOW THAT YOU HAVE THE BACKGROUND HERE IS THE ISSUE.

I am back living in my home which is 85 miles away from my new job. I can make a significant income at my new job, but it may take a year or two to get to the 6 figure mark. For now I have a base salary which is half her income.

Now we are at the stage of our reconciliation where we’re talking in a round about way about how much we hate being apart at night, however she won’t come right out and ask me to move back in and I don’t think that I should ask her if I can move back in.

I’m struggling financially and I have my own mortgage and bills to pay, but at the same time this 85 mile commute is killing me…not to mention 2 nights a week I have graduate school until 10pm and I have to wake up at 4:30AM to beat traffic.

I’m going to eventually have to get a place closer to my job. If I rent out my house rents in the area are less than half my mortgage so I’ll only be able to afford a dump in LA…and I have 50% custody of our child and also two older children that I spend a lot of time with.

Moving back in with my wife will help our relationship develop faster, because right now we visit for a few hours or overnight and I go back home. If I moved in I wouldn’t be able to significantly help with any expenses until I start making commissions on my job and get back on my feet financially.

However, there is this 800 pound gorilla in the corner whenever I come over because I am leaving in the morning…or that night. When I come over and spend a day or evening she is so relieved because I watch the kids while she does the things she needs to do…or WANTS to do such as rest or hobbies. The kids are calmer and better behaved when I’m there. I believe in strict bedtimes, so she gets a lot of time to herself when I’m over.

We’ve talked about the "details" of our marriage which will have to be worked out in order for this to last…and the only real detail is living together. She has expressed wanting to figure out the "details", but has not come out and said she wants me to move back in.

Another issue is when I did live with her she made my life a living hell. So much so that I vowed to never live in another woman’s house. Even before we split up I knew that in order for me to feel comfortable in our marriage we would have to have our own house together. However right now with the real estate market in Southern California us buying a house together is not in the question. An apartment in LA would cost more than either of our mortgages.

I feel that if I take the lead and say I want to move in that she would go along, but I don’t feel it is my place to ask. I was the one that left initially; however she admits to created a situation to make me want to leave.

This is so complicated, can you please offer some advice. By the way…while going to counseling is probably a good ans
While going to counseling may be a good answer it is not an option right now for various reasons.

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